NINJA

God I have been looking for a place to get all the things I need to be a Ninja for months now. It looks like I have finally found the place. This place has everything you need along with nice descriptions so you know what you are getting. My LARGE SCALE ASSAULT PLAN is already in the mail.....some shit is gonna go down.

KATANA
Ninjas prefer to kill people with exotic weapons, but every once in awhile they roll with something traditional.

LARGE SCALE ASSAULT PLAN
Ninja's don't petition the UN or make a bunch of picket signs when shit doesn't go their way. They identify the source of the problem, and kill everyone.

Ninja Shit

The Saga of Bloodninja

I have never read anything so weird that made me laugh so hard. These are transcripts of Bloodninja cybersex chats but the other particpating party doesn't quite get what they expect. There is a sample below the link.

The Saga of Bloodninja

Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli13: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli13: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli13: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli13: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli13: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They fucking charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli13: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: Fuck am I hard now.

Sometimes this thing just writes itself

Blank TV

This site is awesome. It has all kinds of punk videos that you aren't going to see on MTV. Bands like NOFX, Millencolin, Allister, The Ataris and Strung Out.

Blank TV

This has Berg written all over it

Received this email today from a friend in Hollywood. The only thing missing is the "Dear Nelson" at the beginning.

IMMEDIATE CASTING FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS ONLY!

PARTY ANIMALS!!!!

Did you break the all-time beer bong challenge during Greek Week in college? Did you hook up with more girls/guys in a single weekend than anyone else you know? Have you partied for 3 weeks straight and never slept once?

New show in development needs video submissions telling us why you are the definitive partier of your office, school, town, city, etc.

Selected candidates could possibly be sent party hopping across the globe!!! Tell us who you are and show us why you are the craziest, funniest, most revered partier out there. Send submissions asap to:
C. Johnson
E! Entertainment Television
5750 Wilshire Blvd. 4th Floor Los Angeles, CA 90036

Seriously lets pool our reasons and get The Berg on this show.

(Boner)Rubbed the Wrong Way

For those with restricted vocabularies and more or less zero knowledge of the mating habits of gay men, boner rubbing is a shit-dick-hot phenomenon taking place in gay dance parties worldwide. Whereas straight men and women "grind", gay men rub boners. The differences are subtle, but the trained eye quickly realizes that instead of making a typical grinding motion, the dancers simply rub boners like a fucking sabre fight. I tried a non-contact version of the boner rub out with Karl; we both realized that it is a genius dance move. Despite what you may think, you can actually do some pretty cool shit even though you are attached to your dance partner at the boner. The only problem is that rubbing boners creates a considerable amount of friction, and it is highly likely that if one spent an entire evening boner rubbing, he'd end up with boner chafe. But then again, nothing a little Neosporin couldn't cool. Being as it is that I am only 24, I only have first hand knowledge of boner rubbing in the 21st century, so I cannot say for sure where boner rubbing began. MTV's Real World Philadelphia brought the pop-homoculture fad to the limelight through Karamo, one of the show's gay characters. (And one hell of a boner-rubber I might add). Keep these tips in mind as you read not only this post, but future posts to come as well as I will undoubtedly make reference to boner rubbing in days to come.

The fact that tanned, shirtless, back-tattooed, boy toys were techno dancing on table tops at a stallion's pace tipped me off to the fact that I was in a gay bar. A small cluster of Latino boner rubbers, directly in front of the booth playing host to the pentagenerian pork party, provided the damning evidence that I was smack dab in the middle of a fuckin freakfest. I'm pretty sure I saw Froto Baggins there too. The two biggest guys in the bar were wearing skirts and lipstick. My friends started talking to them and they seemed to be honorable; however, their venerability slipped after the cute one tried to kiss Karl. Perhaps she thought Karl was an easy target after she spotted Karl and me jawdropping over some gravity-defying interracial boner rubbing steps being laid down. The craziest thing about these two dudes - aside from the fact that they were about 6'3" 225 and were wearing makeup and halter tops - is that they went home together with some tiny little guy. My mind is literally incapable of imagining the possibilities and permutations of such an arrangement; but hey, I just thought of a new pump thought (aka orgasm delayer).

I went into the bathroom, which was conveniently set up so that you and your partner can take a piss with the comfort and security of having both of your ass cheeks in constant contact. Another exciting feature was the fact that if you had to piss in the only urinal that doesn't put you into an ass lock with whoever is pissing behind you is in such a position that you have to try and scoot between all these asses, with all the attendant cock-against-ass brushes, to get out of the bathroom. I had to tip my cap to the architect. Also, on my return trip to the men's room, I think I won some sweepstakes where two guys suck eachothers dicks off in the stall while I try and pee. I reckon the regulars woulda killed for such a treat.

The night ended up well, after hours party at a fat pad in Belltown. Anheusers and chicks. Also a big silver work-out ball that turned into a game, loosely summarized as a combination of butt-ball, four-square, and a push-up contest. I'm almost positive that the neighbor lady will be submitting a complaint because the wall on the opposite side of her head board was being worked on like a button fly in a boner rubbing competition until about 4 a.m. People who don't drink and stay up late, or at least tolerate those who do are should take caution, I'm pretty sure that God doesn't let mother fuckers into heaven.
~Hank

F*@K AMAZON.COM

What the f*@k is amazon.com doing? Chad Kultgen writes the best product reviews I have ever read and now they are gone. I bought the Top Gun Special Edition DVD because of Chad. If you are not one of the 3 people that read this blog than you have no idea who Chad is but trust me. Here is a letter he wrote about the situation.

Letter from Chad

You have to watch this

God there are times I wished I lived in another country. This is one of those times. This Budweiser ad is fing hilarious. Seriously turn the volume up because the sound is kind of bad and watch this.

Aussie Budweiser Commercial

A Tribute to our Founding Fathers

Since this blog is supposed to be "a place where the Anheuser is always cold." I figured a post recognizing some of their other accomplishments would be in order. If you visit budwesier.com, I think you will find enough to keep yourself busy for a good couple of hours. One of my favorite features though is a service called "giving lip." Some of you are already aware of this as you've fallen victim to a talking gorilla or frog email from me. But for those of you that haven't experienced this technological gloriousness, please click the following link.

Giving Lip

And to you Mitch. Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy. I don't appreciate scowling remarks about not posting anything. If I had nothing better to do with my time than post nonsense about salary clocks or trunk monkeys, well, then I'd be you. And that is a fate I wish on no person.

Enjoy the link and try not to abuse. I may have crossed that line last night.

Anyone for a good Boner Rubbing?

So I went to a little gay bar last night called Neighbors. At first I thought I was back at WSU at a Sig Ep party due to all the dudes with their shirts off but after my roommate Ty got hit on I snapped back to reality. A few key points from the night:

1. Not only did Ty get hit on but two dudes came in to the bathroom and started sucking each other off while he was trying to piss.
2. We ended up in a conversation with two transvestite/drag queens that looked like they were battling for the middle linebacker job at Nebraska.
3. How much boner rubbing can you do before the denim of your jeans rub you raw? I say 90 minutes........max.

All in all it was a hell of a night. I have been complaining for the last two weeks that we needed to do something different and we finally did.

This just ruined my day

I just went to this web site and after spending about 20 seconds there I was so depressed that I walked to the fridge and got a beer. Keep in mind I am sitting on my couch by myself and it is 4 in the afternoon. If you are at work I would not click on this link. If you do click the link at work I am not responsible if you jump out the window or punch your boss in the face.

In the time it took me to make 25 cents Michael Dell made 1,706.45 dollars. Fuck! I am going to get another beer.

Salary Clock

Trunk Monkey

After watching this you are all going to want one but you will have to get in line behind me. I am going to start making daily calls to the Attorney General to find out when these little bastards get approved.

I am going to train mine to throw his own poo at anyone driving a mini van or trying to merge onto a freeway at 35 mph.

Trunk Monkey

Posts for a New Year

Well I had quit updating this thing because I was sick of being the only one who posted anything. There are three other cocksuckers that are listed as contributors on this blog and they don't contribute jack shit. Well I have received a few angry emails from friends who are pissed off that they have nothing new to read. So on that note I am going to get over myself and start posting shit up here again. I have a few things to post today but there is also playoff games to watch and booze to be drank so I don't know how many I will actually get done.

"A CHRISTMAS STORY" HOUSE

I am posting this link up here for Hank because the SOB has been talking about the goddamn TBS 24 hour "A Christmas Story" marathon all week. If only he hadn't spent all that loan money on law school he could have himself one hell of a piece of movie memorabilia. Merry Christmas you bastard.

"A CHRISTMAS STORY" HOUSE

F**K YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

For anyone that doesn't know I have been working for brown(UPS) for the last few weeks. Finally after a few weeks of about 200 stops a day and 400 plus packages I am finally done. It feels like I just got done with finals. So I am now going to do what my friends and I always do when it is time to celebrate....punish the liver. So Happy Holidays everyone and Merry Fucking Christmas.

Oh and you are welcome for all those christmas presents that I delivered.

Three days until people won't have an excuse for playing christmas music

Date My Mom
Well I have already written a post about this fine piece of television programming but the episode I saw the other day was comedy of the highest degree. The bachelor on the show was the funniest guy so far. After not choosing the first daughter whose name meant fire in Celtic the daughter stepped out of the limo and it cut to the guy saying "Now I know why her name means fire. Because she is frickin' hot!!!". After choosing the third daughter she stepped out of the limo and it cut to him saying "I am not mad, I am not mad. My dick is mad but I am not mad." Somebody at MTV needs to get this guy some kind of production deal.

Movie Reviews
Here are some more of the reviews I wrote a couple of weeks ago.

The Hustler (1961)
This a classic pool shark movie starring Paul Newman. I wouldn't say the writers of Poolhall Junkies copied this movie but you can see where they got a few ideas. 4 Star

Badder Santa (2003)
Billy Bob is great in this movie. I never saw the orginal Bad Santa so I couldn't really tell what extra material consituted the unrated version. 4 Star

Van Helsing (2004)
This movie was better than I thought it was going to be. There was actually a story line involved not just 90 minutes of monster killing. 4 Star

Random things from the last few days

One of the best t-shirt slogans I have seen in a while.
The liver is evil and must be punished.

That might be my new messenger name.

Car alarms are a motherf**ker.
After I spent two hours today kicking ass at a job interview I stopped at a Shell station close to home but not in the nicest part of town. I was going in to buy a Diet Pepsi and pay for some gas so I set my car alarm which I had noticed had been talking two or three tries to set/unset lately. Well I came out and tried to deactivate the alarm and nothing. Tried twice...three times...ten times and the thing was still set. After calling a friend to go get my spare remote from home as I was closing in on try sixty the SOB finally worked and I was able to get in the car.

Top Gun Special Edition DVD
I saw a commercial for this last week and the first thing I thought of was another kick ass Amazon review from Chad Kultgen. Nobody loves Top Gun or Bud Ice more than Chad and he doesn't disappoint with this reveiw.

HOLY CRANK!! WHERE'S THE SIXTH STAR 'CAUSE FIVE AIN'T ENOUGH

Movie Reviews
Well I said a few weeks ago I was going to start reviewing the movies I have received from Netflix. Well I wrote about 15 reviews 2 weeks ago but I have failed to post a single one so here is the first batch of three.

SNL: The Best of Christopher Walken (2004)
This is one of the funniest SNL Best of's I have seen. A couple "The Continental" sketches, the funniest Hardball sketch I have seen and of course the classic VH1 Blue Oyster Cult Behind the music. Definitely a 5 star.

"I've got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell!"

Serpico (1973)
Netflix described this movie as one of Pacino's best performances and I would have to agree.
4 Star

Amores Perros (2000)
Although this movie was long coming in at 2h 33m is was still awesome. A movie where you see how the lives of characters in three different story lines affect one another. 5 Star

How many degrees of separation are there between Christopher Walken and Kevin Bacon?

The answer is 2 and if you knew that then I am impressed because I had never heard of Mistress (1992) or Elli Wallach who was the link to Mystic River (2003).

I found this link on the Intern's page of Sports Guy's World. What makes it so kick ass is that you are not limited to just Bacon you can find the links between any actor/actress and any other actor/actress. They even took it one step further and setup a page where you can link any baseball player to another baseball player.

I have wasted enough time writing this post I need to get back to linking celebrities.

Link Kevin Bacon
Link any actor or any actress
Link any baseball player to another baseball player

Giant Cocaine Plants

If the Justice Department had a giant bowl of cereal this is the kind of article that would make it smell like some had just taken a giant shit in said giant bowl of cereal. While Columbian officials have been reporting that smugglers are receiving help from foreign scientists to develop herbicide-resistant coca plant that has 8 times the yield of a normal plant. Meanwhile we have dumped more than 3 billion dollars into crop spraying program that the Columbians are saying has but back the useful coca-growing area by 2/3.

The kicker is that through all this all those wiley drug growing bastards have been doing is spending a little more down at the old farm co-op and dumping extra fertilizer on the ground. By my simple math with 1/3 of the land but 8 times the production you are still coming out with about 2 and 2/3 times the amount of coke.

Fertilizer May Be Root of Big Colombia Coca Plants

Irag Adopts Terror Alert System

The Onion has a great article about the new color coded system that Iraq is implementing so that all citizens will be aware of the threat of a terrorist attack. They report that the current level is yellow-orange which is about two colors above blue described as:

UNSETTLING: Some small weapons fire and scattered roadside bombings; fair chance you will make it to the end of day with all four limbs

Irag Adopts Terror Alert System