More Adventures from Firefly

I've had an uneasy relationship with Japanese bathrooms since my arrival 5 years ago. My first experience came in the form of a "squat toilet". I was at an Internet Cafe in Hibiya, and I ventured inside this old style Japanese building to try to find a bathroom. I opened the door, and found this porcelain nightmare staring back at me.

I consider myself pretty adventurous, but I draw the line right there. I checked the next stall, to find a regular western toilet. Breathing a sigh of relief, I sat down. It didn't take long for my attention to wander down to the control panel near my right arm. It looked like an armchair computer to some kind of spaceship. Being a naturally curious person, I felt an immediate urge to press some buttons. I reserved a small amount of judgment and began to study the odd symbols. All of the symbols were complicated kanji, and I didn't understand any of them. I forced my attention away from the control panel. However since I was in Japan, there wasn't even any graffiti to distract my attention, and within 10 seconds, I was once again studying the series of buttons, knobs and dials. My teeth gritted. My lips pursed. My eyes focused on the array of buttons."Whats the worst that could happen," I reasoned. After 10 seconds of brief internal monologue, to my detriment, my adventurous side won. I extended an uncertain finger, and pressed the biggest button. A pause. Nothing happened. I deflated in disappointment. I began examining the other buttons when I heard :*click*. *vmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*. I cocked my head and narrowed my eyes as I tried to make sense of the noises. Suddenly, a boiling hot jet stream of highly pressurised water shot straight up my ass. I screamed. My arms and legs flailed around as I tried to escape my unfortunate predicament. I immediately pressed another button, which turned the water from burning hot, to icy cold. I considered jumping up and running away, but I was concerned that the ass water would soak me during my daring escape. I stayed seated, screaming and flailing, and pressed another button. The toilet flushed. I pressed another button, and the toilet lid slapped me in the back as it tried to close. My look of disbelief at my bad luck combined with my surprised yelling must have been quite a picture. I finally pressed the 'correct' button, and the stream stopped, and retracted. I sat there feeling violated, and also irritated at the previous occupant who felt it necessary to max-out all of the settings.