Wednesday, January 31, 2007
The Six Levels of the Hangover cont....
Here we go with levels 3 & 4 today.
*** 3-star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime someome walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.
**** 4-star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976. You would give a week's pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
Drive the annoying guy at the office crazy for $9.99
"The ThinkGeek Annoy-a-tron would be useless against an army of Snowbots, but it's very effective at disturbing that guy in the sales department or your "friend" down the hall. With its thin design and embedded magnet for easy hiding, the Annoy-a-tron can be placed in a variety of locations. Select one of the three sound choices (2 kHz, 12 kHz, or alternating) and push the switch to the on position. Place it in a proper hiding spot and let the "fun" begin.
The Annoy-a-tron generates a short (but very annoying, hence the name) beep every few minutes. Your unsuspecting target will have a hard time 'timing' the location of the sound because the beeps will vary in intervals ranging from 2 to 8 minutes. The 2kHz sound is generically annoying enough, but if you really really want to aggravate somebody, select the 12 kHz sound. Trust us. The higher frequency and slight 'electronic noise' built into that soundbyte will make a full-grown Admin wonder where his packets are. "
The ThinkGeek Annoy-a-tron
Make Other Jack Bauer Fans Envious
Oh you bet your ass I am ordering every last one of these items.
Watch with kick ass ballistic nylon band, bulletproof vest? Fuck Yeah!
Jack Bauer Gear
Never, Ever, Trust a Bored Martial Arts Master
"...Japanese have a stereotype of being very sensitive, quiet, respectful and polite. I’ll tell you the reason for this stereotype – it’s completely true. Almost all Japanese are the living embodiment of these characteristics. Togara-sensei however, shits all over this stereotype. He is friendly and warm, but at the same time extremely aggressive and forceful – beyond most foreigners I know. It is also said that when you drive a car, your real personality comes out. Put Togara-sensei behind the wheel of a car, and just watch the fuck out.
If you can imagine this middle aged, massive martial arts master, wearing reading glasses, driving a large van, filled with crazy Australians, like a rally car – then you can begin to appreciate how funny this picture was. Almost as though he was trying to make the scene even more amusing, he flicked on the CD player, and loud classical music began blasting through the speakers..."
Read the rest of this great story from Firefly in Japan. The ending is great!!
Genuine Ostrich, Three Payments
This clip showcases a little new boot goofin. The Boggs pounders here at tastybooze enjoy themselves a little Reno 911, and this is one of the best clips from that show.
Marketing 101
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Viagra-spiked wine nearly kills husband
An Italian man keeled over with a heart attack and almost died after his wife slipped Viagra pills into his wine hoping it would improve his performance in bed.
Fifty-five-year-old construction worker Di Angelino from Frosinone in central Italy said: "I had been under stress because of my job for quite a while and my 50-year-old wife felt a bit abandoned."
"She tried to secretly give me a bit of extra "motivation" in bed with two pills of Viagra in a glass of wine."
After suffering a massive heart attack Di Angelino added: "I'm not angry with her over it. In fact, the whole episode of having a heart attack has made me cut down the stress in my life and pull back at work. And because of that our sexual relationship has got better."
Wow...close call for the price of a boner.
24 - Karen Hayes is Out
Another week, another episode of 24. Tom Lennox is on the war path, which means the Constitution is on it's way out the window. But first he has to get rid of a major thorn in his side, Karen Hayes. Using his Deputy Chief of Staff (played by Chad Lowe, ER), he digs up enough dirt and people willing to testify against Hayes to demand her resignation. Somewhat teary-eyed Hayes complies, leaving President Wayne Palmer on his own to defend the Constitution and the freedom of American citizens.
Meanwhile, Nadia, a CTU agent of middle-eastern descent, is hog-tied by racial profiling within the government thanks to Lennox's new mandates. Lucky for her (probably bad for the rest of the country) Milo un-ties her hands by giving her unrestricted access to CTU by logging her in under his user ID. I can already tell that this is going to backfire and soon Milo will find himself in a holding cell for doing what he thought was right at the time.
Jack, on the other hand, has been torturing his brother by means of suffocation and coaxes him into giving up the location of a major player in the release of the suitcase nukes that are threatening the country. Jack pursues this new lead only to be cuffed in the back of the head with a shotgun. Enter Phillip Bauer.
It appears Jack's father is a good guy as he and Jack are betrayed by Graem yet again. The episode finishes off with Jack and his father handcuffed and on their way to "certain" death at the hands of Graem's security team.
Will Jack will pull a Houdini and get out of this latest hostage scenario? Of course he will. We'll just have to wait and see how many people he kills on the way out.
Greasy Streaker Hit by Stun Gun
I know the whole MasterCard "priceless" thing has been over played but I am going to go ahead and drive it into the ground one more time.
Streaking your high school cafeteria............$0
One bottle of Johnsons Baby Oil...................$4.95
Not realizing the campus cop would hit you with the stun gun.........PRICELESS
Ohio students' lunch interrupted by greased, naked man in cafeteria; cop uses Taser
Before You Hit the Piss....Leave a Message
I know there are a lot of you out there that are currently in a state of self denial. You have yourself convinced that you are going to make it to work bright and early Monday morning after the Super Bowl.
However in the back of your mind you know that a "few beers" during the big game is more realistically 12 beers, a couple of jager bombs and maybe even a few cigarettes.
Whether you are honest with yourself or not here is the service for you.
Call-in-Sick.com
It is pretty simple. You call these chaps up the day before, record your sick message as many times as you need to perfect it and then leave your bosses phone number. Call-in-Sick.com handles it from there and leaves your finely crafted message on your bosses voicemail at your specified time the next morning.
Simply put....it's genius.
The Six Levels of Hangover
We received a great email here at the tastybooze offices this morning outlining the six levels of the hangover.
I have had a lot of first hand experience with the hangover myself but never realized there were six distinct levels.
I am going to toss up two a day over the next few days so that you will be fully educated by the end of the week and can perform a self diagnosis.
* 1-star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.
** 2-star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.
Blurt Blyleven
This is some relatively old footage of former MLB pitcher Bert Blyleven messing up a live TV broadcast and then dropping F-Bombs. It's certainly no Cosmo Kramer meltdown, but it's still pretty damn good TV.
Underpant rage burns down house
An angry husband who threw old clothes from his wardrobe in the garden and set fire to them because he could not find his clean underpants accidentally burnt his home down.
Ivo Jerbic, 55, from Prikraj close to the capital Zagreb told police he had flipped out after failing to find any clean underpants in the closet full of old clothes, and had thrown them all in the garden and set fire to them.
He told police: 'My wife never throws anything out, I just lost my temper.'
But the fire spread to the house which burned to the ground.
Local news agency Hina reported that Jerbic could end up in jail for up to 8 years because of putting other family members in danger, even though no one was injured in the incident.
"Dead Man" Testifies in Murder Trial
This is great. I don't think this has happened in the U.S., although I can't be positive. I would have to say, though, that if it did happen in the U.S. that I believe the court would throw out the case. An excerpt from the story below:
Five Indian men are on trial for murder despite the "dead" man having appeared in court and told the judge that the case was fabricated...
Read the full story here.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Feel Good Story...Sort of
I heard about this story on the Adam Corolla show this morning on my way to work. At first I thought it would make for a funny blog post so I Googled it up.
A young man in England born with Duchenne muscular dystrophy is living under the care of nuns in a hospice. He is currently 22 and most people with his condition don't live past their thirties. He let the nuns know that he wanted to have the "company of the woman" and they helped him to arrange it.
I am glad that the kid got laid but after reading the story it is kind of sad.
It was refreshing to see a nun put the boys interests first and help him out. We live in a country where supposedly educated people refuse to fill prescriptions for a morning after pill that has been safely used for almost 20 fucking years in Europe based on their personel religious beliefs.
Hospice helped dying man lose his virginity
24 Trivia - What's the Date?
What is the date going to be when Jack Bauer resumes hunting Fayed's ass down tonight?
Answer: Who really gives a shit as long as JB keeps kicking ass, taking names and opening helicopter doors with TV antennas.
Click the link for the actual answer.
On the Set of 24
Soda? Pop? Which is it?
I hate this bullshit about whether you call it soda or pop or even sodapop. I lived in five different states growing up moving on average of every four years. Wouldn't you know it every time I got to a new city I was the dipshit that didn't know the proper slang for a can of syrupy carbonated goodness.
Thankfully none of the five states I lived in were in the South. Those crazy SOB's just call anything that is carbonated and non-alcohlic coke. Of course they couldn't agree with the yankees up north they had to come up with their own slang term. The best thing the unoriginal bastards could come up with was coke. Thats like calling anything you can put your dick in a vagina.
What is the point of this rant? I don't think there is one but here is a link to a map of the U.S.A. that shows by county the proper slang term for soda.
Generic Names for Soft Drinks
One more reason not to have that telltale half dollar size circle in you wallet
Here is a pretty funny story that I recevied via email today. I am sure most of have you have seen it but in case you were deciding which Nigerian to give your bank account number to for a cut of 10 million here it is.
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!" And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
I Signed Over My Allegiance too Soon
Last night I came across Ninja.com and signed over my allegiance to it as my new search engine. This morning it was brought to my attention that there is an even better search engine out there. "What are better than Ninjas?" you ask. In one word...
Pirates
Aaaaaarrrrrrgh matey! Pirates always have and always will have a special place in my heart. From grog, to booty, to Waterfront Brawl they cannot be beat. As the site says:
"Still better than ninjas."
Pirates
People Excusing Terrorist Activities (PETA)
I always knew I hated PETA, but I never really knew why. Now I know. I came across an interesting list of 7 Things You Didn't Know About PETA and was startled when I read a couple of these. One of the worst:
It's surprising to me that this organization of "animal lovers" (you'll understand the use of quotes after you read #2 on the list) is allowed to remain in existence.PETA has given tens of thousands of dollars to convicted arsonists and other violent criminals. This includes a 2001 donation of $1,500 to the North American Earth Liberation Front (ELF), an FBI-certified "domestic terrorist" group responsible for dozens of firebombs and death threats. During the 1990s, PETA paid $70,200 to an Animal Liberation Front (ALF) activist convicted of burning down a Michigan State University research laboratory. In his sentencing recommendation, a federal prosecutor implicated PETA president Ingrid Newkirk in that crime. And PETA vegetarian campaign coordinator Bruce Friedrich told an animal rights convention in 2001 that "blowing stuff up and smashing windows" is "a great way to bring about animal liberation."
Sunday, January 28, 2007
iHate the iPod
I work in downtown Seattle, which means aside from being raped every month to pay for parking, I'm usually witness to the front line of emerging trends for this area. Now this isn't exactly ground breaking as far as trends go, but I finally got pushed to the limit of this ridiculousness last week after two different incidents. What am I talking about? The iPod revolution and its impact on casual friendliness in life.
What you say? Save your keystrokes because you have no audience? Well yes, probably, but I still want to get this off my chest. What I'm talking about is the new burning need for what seems like half of the downtown population to be listening to music at all times. Everywhere I go I see people with their heads down, eyes to the ground walking around with the signature white headphones in their ears, screaming out "Don't look at me, don't talk to me, I'm busy taking in the latest indy rock to hit the scene and being hip." But its not just walking to and from destinations. Its in elevators, businesses, bars, and work. I recently witnessed a guy at Subway trying to order a sandwich while listening to his iPod and reading a novel (some dungeons and dragons type book no doubt). Are you f-ing joking me? You can't take those little bastards out of your ears for 2 minutes to help expedite the order of my delicious Spicy Italian? The final straw was last week when a 50+ year old man, in a business suit, passed by nearly running into me, yes, while listening to his treasured iPod. You're 50!! It is not cool to be acting this way.
Why is this such a big deal? Well, really its not. But seriously, when did we make the transition of having to listen to music at any chance possible? What did these people do before iPod's and MP3 players? How the hell did they survive in a world where the only sounds were passing buses and casual "good morning's" from their fellow mankind. What I see out on those streets is reminiscent of Hong Kong or New York (thousands of people running around with absolutely no recognition or care for people around them). And finally, its just another sign of Steve Jobs and his turtle neck wearing cronies influencing American culture in a negative way. Alright, that might be a stretch, but seriously, when it was just Rio and Sandisk MP3 players did we see this wave of hipsters wearing white ear buds? I rest my case. And for the record, yes I own an iPod.
WARNING TO NES FANBOYS
If you click through to the link below be prepared to pop a bonar.
Not only is this guy selling all 670 games released for the NES in America he is throwing in a system with about every accessory made as well.
So if you have a spare $10,000 and always wanted to rub one out with a power glove place your bid.
NES Nintendo - EVERY GAME EVER MADE - 670 LOT Licensed
Top Graduates from 'Safety First' Classes
Scrolling down this page is just like going smart, smarter, smartest.
Safety First
Crazy Laws in all 50 States
This site lists out crazy laws from just about every state in the Union. Check your state and make sure you aren't in violation. One of my favorites.
California
A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits.
Looks like Fayed now has two problems to deal with on Monday night.
1. Jack Bauer is after his ass.2. More importantly he owes the city of Valencia $500.
Craziest Laws in America
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Alleged drunk man breaks into airport
LAS VEGAS (AP) -- An intoxicated 28-year-old man apparently broke into a secure area near McCarran International Airport and stole a luggage cart tug car before being arrested early Tuesday.
Its all fun and drunken shenanigans in Vegas until you hit someones Gulfstream G4 jet. Then you're fucked.
Alleged drunk man breaks into airport
Hot Chicks. Taser. Underwear.
Do I really need to write anything else?
Anyone that knows fellow blogger on this site Mike Honcho knows he is the internets #1 connoisseur of taser videos. The SOB spent about 4 straight days searching and watching every video he could find.
I am putting the link to this one up because I bet he hasn't seen it and as the title suggests it involves girls in their underwear.
Enjoy.
Hot Chicks. Taser. Underwear.
Now thats how you Police Chase! From now on you always Police Chase like that!!!
This guy has what I like to call "skills that pay the bills".
People say video games rot kids minds. Well I will tell you what this guy didn't pick up these driving skills in drivers ed.
This has got to be the result of countless hours spent with a PS2 and a game like Need for Speed.
I bet if aliens or demons ever show up this guy would be the first one to find the BFG9000 and start racking up kills before most of us got out of bed.
Police Chase
Friday, January 26, 2007
Note to Mr. Honcho
The other day you called out a fine young man with an outstanding mullet who was looking for a time travel partner by saying "Where the hell did this guy find a flux capacitor?"
Consider your bluff called good sir.
Click the link to the DeLorean Motor Company's online store and do a search for "Flux".
DeLorean Motor Company Online Store
Is your Wal-Mart Safe?
I have never really liked Wal-Mart but I've never really had any good reasons why.
Well I just found one to put on the list.
"For the sample, Wal-Mart stores experienced 6 times the reported number of criminal incidents defined as 'serious or violent" than nearby Target stores in 2004.
Click the link below and you can search by zip code to find out about all the violent crimes happening at your local Wally World.
Wal-Mart Crime Report
Hot Chicks
I just had to throw this out there because Jessica Simpson looks so hot on the front page. Here's a compelling list of The 99 Hottest Women of 2006. If Anna Kournikova is #99, I think you're in for a treat.
Awesome Aerial Photo of Kick Ass Guns
Check out this aerial shot of the New Jersey class battleship USS Iowa firing is huge ass canons.
One shell from those guns could travel 25 miles and lay waste to an entire city block.
Most of the New Jersey class battleships have been decommissioned meaning we have even more kick ass boats on the water now.
Why would you want to fuck with that?
USS Iowa
Deputy Finds Man Punching Shrub
A 23-year-old Hilton Head Island man was charged with public disorderly conduct after a deputy observed him "in a physical confrontation with shrubs" at 8:27 p.m. Saturday at Carolina First, 401 William Hilton Parkway, according to a Beaufort County Sheriff's Report.
Responding to a complaint that a man tried to get into a stranger's car, a deputy called over to the suspect, who was punching vegetation. The man then ran across the bank parking lot to kick one last bush before talking to police, reports said.
He reportedly smelled of alcohol and was taken to the Beaufort County Detention Center, where he is being held for prosecution, according to the jail's online log.
Source: www.islandpacket.com
Cops Everywhere Rejoice
No longer do the fine patrolmen of our cities need to juggle their cup of coffee and their favorite jelly filled doughnut while cruising our streets.
A scientist in North Carolina has figured out how to pack the equivilent of two cups of coffee into a single doughnut.
Now you can pack on pounds and get wired and the only side effect will be sticky fingers. This is a vast improvement over the possibility of scalded junk when you hit a bump and your grande drip explodes on your lap.
Scientist develops caffeinated doughnuts
Thursday, January 25, 2007
This could have made for a really bad day
"About 10 seconds after liftoff from runway 19R something happens with the left engine. Alot of smoke and fragments of metal and other material falls down on the runway. At first the pilots don't get any indications in the cockpit and plan to go on to Kuala Lumpur."
Instead it just made a pretty sweet picture.
Beer Journal
Although the publishers of The Beer Journal don't capitalize their Bs (see Blog, Sweat & Beers below), this is still a pretty cool website with quite a few interesting articles. Check out the article on The Story of American Beer to learn a thing or two today.
The 10 Worst Rap Album Covers Ever Made
Not only are the ablum covers great but the commentary on each one is just hilarious. Take M$. Tee for example.
This is just depressing. Her entire album is about acquiring material possessions and she has the most bare, plain room in the background. At least we know where Pimp Daddy got his gigantic chair! Judging by the black mark on her face he roughed her up pretty good before punching a hole in the wall and stealing every non-denim piece of clothing in her closet. Thank God Ms. Tee managed to preserve that awesome love seat, end table, and classic piece of artwork hanging in the background. It's a long drive to the local flea market and judging by the level effort put into her album cover, I doubt she could cough up the 15 dollars necessary to replace it.
The 10 Worst Rap Album Covers Ever Made
onederwear
This is either a little slice of genuis or the kind of decadence the rest of the world hates us for.
I mean I can see how these would be useful if you were on a long backpacking trip. However I do a lot of traveling for business and packing up my "dirty" underwear has never really been an issue.
Sure I wore them once and now they are "dirty" but its not like I am leaving big mud monkey racing stripes in them. I cram them into a ball and they return home in the exact same way that they made the trip.
There was an incident once after a few days in Venezuela but that is neither here nor there.
I think my favorite thing has to be the multiple styles you can get. Boxers I understand but there is something about disposable bikini cut underwear that is just plain wrong to me.
onederwear
Drinking Games Rule!
My friends and I decided to get together last weekend and play a round of drinking games. Sometimes Crazy 8s results in people getting hammered and passing out early. It's just one of the hazards of playing drinking games with professionals. It kind of reminds me of the old adage, "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight."
Toto Apricot F5A - Greatest Toilet Seat Ever?
Let's just run down a few of the features that this bad boy is packing.
1. Embedded MP3 player.
2. Reading Light
3. Ambient Light (for us guys who refuse to turn on the light in the middle of the night)
4. Fragrance Dispenser (automatically detects when you have made it unsafe for other life forms)
5. "Washlet" Feature (nice stream of warm water right on the old brown eye)
This thing is nice then the leather recliner in my living room. If you installed a flat panel TV across from your throne you would never have to leave.
Toto Apricot F5A: MP3 Toilet Seat With Ambient Light, Fart Killer
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Drunks On A Plane: How Not To Behave During A 6 Hour Flight
You know I have a lot of stories about friends who have gone out, gotten to drunk, done something stupid and then ended up in police custody.
Hell Mike Honcho here is the main character in a few of them.
But you read this story and it sounds more like "Fuck it! I am going to go out and get arrested today and I might as well be drunk when I do it!"
Drunken shenanigans are one thing and I am all for them.
Going out with the intent of doing something stupid and then adding booze to the mix just gives the rest of us a bad name.
Drunks On A Plane: How Not To Behave During A 6 Hour Flight
You brought the fuckin' Pomeranian bowling?
A little tribute to Lebowski and his way of living. And yes, I am actually ordained, the certificate is on the wall in my office.
Tijuana Police Issued Slingshots
Hmmm. Good thing we passed the bill for the border fence, cause I don't think we're going to be getting to much help from south of the border. The Tijuana police force of about 2,000 officers have been without guns for half a month and finally they get armed...with slingshots and ballbearings. Look out pigeons, the Federales are coming!!
Verizon Employee Exit Interview
I found this a while ago and there is a chance that it's fake but I don't care because it is fucking hoolarious.
My personal favorite
#3) Would you be interested in working for Verizon on a Part-Time basis? Comments:
"No. Thats like saying I would prefer to be raped half as often."
Verizon Employee Exit Interview
Bauer Power
I've run across a few lists on the internet of some interesting facts about Jack Bauer. Similar to the ever popular Chuck Norris Facts, here are a few of my favorites:
- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
- No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a pussy” in a sentence and lived to tel...
- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
- Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.
For more random facts about Jack Bauer, visit http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty
Police: Seattle Dealership employees took disabled man for more than $100,000
Nominations for the Douche Bag of the Week will still be accepted until Sunday but this set of pricks might have just locked it up.
Police: Dealership employees took disabled man for more than $100,000
This goes way farther then just convincing some sap he needs a $100,000 dollar car.
What Happens When You Mix Too Much Boggs With Honda?
Considering Hank's post below, I think Jim forgot the #1 rule.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Boggs and Honda
I was watching the AFC Championship Sunday night when Miller Lite and Honda came together to bring all of us a commercial break some time in the fourth quarter. As I sat there and thought about it, I realized that about 80% of my life is at least tangentially, at most directly, connected with these two products. For instance, I drink for a drinking team in Seattle, our drink of choice is Boggs See Tasty Booze Vocabulary in right margin. And I drive a 1996 Honda Accord, which, as an aside, apparently has a big red fucking target on it. I swear, that piece of shit has been hit more times than the "X" button on Mike Honcho's Xbox 360. But seriously, all I do is work on the weekdays, which requires driving my Honda, and drink on the weekends, which invariably includes Boggs.
The interesting thing about these two products is that you need to use them sequentially if you plan on staying out of trouble. Although the danger of using them at the same time depends upon how much you've been using one, if you heavily use one to the point that you're too stubborn to not use the other, you're probably going to end up on one foot looking at the sky and touching your nose. Just an observation.
Blog, Sweat & Beers
Within these musings, you will notice that the word Beer is always capitalized. The reason for this is the same reason so many religions capitalize the names of and references to their God or Gods… respect.
I can’t tell you how many times a conversation about God or The Universe or Human Existence itself has been preceded by the copious consumption of that golden-brown wonder tonic of truth known throughout the world as Beer. In as much as the “B” in the Body of Christ is oft times capitalized, I have chosen to give the same honor to the “C” in Can o’ Beer. Respect the Beer and the Beer will respect you.
Learn how to chug like an outdoorsman at http://www.blogsweatandbeers.com/how-to-chug-a-beer
Never Say "Boo" to a Black Man
I love to play pranks on people. Lucky for me I choose my victims very carefully! Check out this Halloween prank...
Cruise 'is Christ' of Scientology
This is awesome.
Believe it or not Tom Cruise has been dubbed the "Christ" of Scientology by the head whack job over there at the Church of Scientology.
Seems like it was just a few years ago old TC was cutting loose, dancing in his whitey tighties and running a brothel while his parents were away.
Sure he graduated to killing bad guys, wearing fake faces and saving the world but I had no idea the next step was Christ.
New Weekly Contest - Douche Bag of the Week
The number of douche bags I come across in a given week never ceases to amaze me. Most of them are in their cars and driving on a strech of road known as 520.
I wanted to give everyone a chance to vent about the douche bags that they have to deal with.
Here is how this will work. You submit your story to tastybooze@gmail.com about a douche bag you came across. On Sunday afternoon the staff here at Tasty Booze will decide on the best story and post it Sunday night.
Depending on the number of submissions we might even throw up some honorable mentions on Monday.
Who can submit a douche bag entry? Anyone
What are some examples? People that don't understand the concept of merging, someone that cheated on you, a friend that flagged you when you passed out, a friend that passed out a 9 pm, you get the idea.
A-1 Badass with Watermelon Size Balls
I am going to leave the description of this one up to the great Dane Cook. Simply substitute "poke in the eye" everytime you read "punch in the face"
"So how did you get away?" and he says, "I punched it, and... it let me go." Let's, let's recap this. A fuckin' SHARK, coming through the water, and this guy... I mean the shark goes over to this guy, bites, this guy punches it in the face, and the shark goes "ALRIGHT!" And tell me, there is no time in your life that you swim faster, than when a fuckin' shark lets you go. Fuckin' shark lets you go... if you don't get pussy, with THAT story, "Wanna see my scar? Yeah I punched a shark in the face. I tried to swim away, I grabbed him, pulled him back. He tried to get away, I pulled him back and punched him again. And I looked him in the face and said, 'Fuck you, Shark.'"
Diver pokes shark in eye, survives head chomp
Casual Definitions of Casual Sex
Recently, on New Years to be exact, I'm pretty sure I fucked up my relationship with my best Booty Call. In fact, maybe she wasn't even a Booty Call. Maybe she's a SWNS (sex with no strings) girl and I took it to an inappropriate level. It went something like this:
Booty Call girl sends a text message at about 2am on January 1st. Any message sent at 2am on January 1st is prone to be misinterpreted, miscommunicated, or maybe just missed (obviously due to the supremely drunken state you are in after about 7 tequila poppers in as many minutes, and the other 20 beers your drank from 8pm to 2am). Unfortunately for me, her message was simple and to the point - "Happy New Years!" - and wasn't likely to be misunderstood. Too bad I didn't pass out earlier...I've always liked the challenge of being the last (or close to last) one up after a hard night of boozing, proving that I can drink more than most of my friends. What did happen was a misinterpretation on my part. I interpreted her "Happy New Years!" text message to mean "I wish I were there now so you could fuck me!" Yikes. Now I'm in trouble, cause of course I'm going to respond to a message that has tweaked my weiner. So, in true 20+ drinks-deep fashion, I responded with the ever classy and clever message "I want to F U hard right now!" Of course, on the 1st at 2:15 am I thought that was probably the best text message I have ever sent, and I went down the hallway chuckling to myself and my command of the smooth talk.
Fast forward to 10am on the 1st. I wake up and remember that I sent a message to this girl, and I remember thinking that it was probably the best message I've ever sent. So, I take out the text message machine and scroll through the recent messages only to be disappointed at my foolishness. Although it was funny, still is funny, and probably a great message to receive (I only wish I were there to see the look on her face), it sucks that I probably ruined my best booty call with booze. But hey, if I'm going to ruin anything it should be over booze, right?
Anyways, if you want some easy guidelines to follow should you ever find yourself in the SWNS or the Booty Call quasi-relationship, check out this article on Casual Definitions of Casual Sex:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/262749422.html
Cheers!
Effective Meetings
I hate meetings. One of my personal rules in life is that nothing is accomplished in a meeting once it crosses the 30 minute mark. Half the attendees can't remember what the original subject was and there is always one person either asleep and/or drooling.
I really liked these tips for effective meetings after I read tip #1.
1) Avoid meetings. Test the importance of a meeting by asking, "What happens without it?" If your answer is, "Nothing," then don't call the meeting.
10 Tips for an Effective Meeting
Monday, January 22, 2007
24 - The Plot Thickens
All I can say is GOD DAMN! I'll go ahead and throw it out there: No fan of 24 ever saw that coming. I sure didn't picture the infamous Graem having the last name Bauer. Now he's wishing he showed a little more affection to his estranged brother over the past years, seeing that he's in the process of giving up information, Jackie B style. The gun hasn't come out yet, and his kneecaps are still intact, but Jack will get the information he needs (through suffocation, maybe a little knife torture, or some good old fashioned screaming, "We don't have time!").
So, as the plot thickens we are left with some questions about the upcoming episodes: Does Jack know that Graem and his cohorts (possibly Philip Bauer, Jack's father) are responsible for dropping the dime to the Chinese about Jack's location at the end of season five? Why haven't Jack and his father spoken in nine years? Is Graem and Marylin's son really Jack and Marilyn's son? I could really go on for days about the questions that we all have...I guess we'll have to wait until next week to find out more.
Touché, Fox, on another kick ass episode of the most kick ass show on tv!
I want a god damn liter of cola!
Ah, first post back on the old blog. Thanks for reviving this and here is my contribution.
I don't think there's a whole lot more entertaining than calling up friends (or enemies) and pranking them with witty comments from unsuspecting movie stars. Here is one of my personal favorities, Trooper Rod Farva.
http://img170.imageshack.us/my.php?image=soundboard6nq.swf
If You’re Functioning, You’re Not An Alcoholic
I can't really say much about this post I am linking to other then the fact that I couldn't agree more.
“Mark,” I answer, “If you’re functioning, then you’re not an alcoholic. The entire point of alcoholism is that you’re not functioning.”
If You’re Functioning, You’re Not An Alcoholic
A Driving Force
Do you think the "snow storms" that have shut down Seattle in recent weeks have been weak? By comparison, it would take approximately twenty years of Seattle snowfall to equate to the amount of snow Pullman, WA gets in a single year. Meet Izzle Pfaff. He shares your sentiments.
"I, however, am a fucking ninja for snow driving. I grew up in Idaho, motherfucker! I took driver's ed in eight inches of snow. How do I know it was eight inches of snow? I measured it with my dick. RAR!"
Read more of Izzle Pfaff at http://www.izzlepfaff.com/
MacGyver MultiTool
I don't know what is better. The fact that it's a paper clip or that drawing of MacGyver.
Was the explosion shown on the package created with one of these multitools?
The Inevitable Work Poop
You know it is going to happen. No matter how hard you try to avoid it the time will come where you have to "see a man about a horse" while you are on clock.
Check out this comprehensive list of work poop scenarios. We have all been through them but they are still funny as hell to read about.
The Inevitable Work Poop
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Dick in a Box
This is a couple of weeks old but in case you have been living with your head in the sand I thought I would put it up.
It's no Lazy Sunday but it still pretty goddamn good.
The Japanese Have Struck Gold Again
I don't know about you, but I love me some funny Japanese game shows and pranks. Here are two of the funniest ones I've ever seen!
http://fuvoo.com/FuvooPermaLink.aspx?PostID=226
http://www.glumbert.com/media/tonguetwister
If anyone has more hilarious Japanese videos please post them on the blog.
Jack Bauer - One Man Killing Macine
I didn't start watching 24 until a week ago when the sixth season started. I wish I would have pulled my head out of my ass a few seasons ago because the show is fucking great.
Anyway someone with a lot of time and way more initiative then me created bauercount.com. The site lists every person that Jack has killed along with the weapon used sorted by season.
If you like yourself a little Jack Bauer you should check it out.
http://www.bauercount.com/v3/index.php/season/show/6
Back Again - Take 3
Time to fire this Tasty Booze back up again. We have started and stopped a few times but I think this third time will stick.
We are adding a new author to the site. His ability to search out and find funny videos on the Internet is unparalleled in this world.
As always if you have any funny stories, pictures, or videos send them to tastybooze@gmail.com. We will check them out and if they are worth a shit we'll post them on the site.
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