We here at tasty booze have moved into new digs.
You can now find us at http://www.tastybooze.com
We only made the move yesterday so you may see changes over the next couple of weeks.
Follow us over to the new site for new tasty booze posts everyday.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
BIG NEWS!!!!!
Batman Sighting Puts Schools on Lockdown
Robin: Holy nightmare, Batman!
Batman: Looks like the Riddler is loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.
Robin: We'd better batapult out of here and go catch him!! Ka-pow!
Check out these retards who actually "saw" Batman.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
A Little Something for the Ladies
Well guys it might be a little late in the day for this post but if you fucked up and forgot a gift for your lady you just might be able to redeem yourself.
Sex Researcher Beverly Whipple, PH. D surveyed 5000 women and came up with a list of the top ten positions that are most likely to make your lady have an orgasm.
You know there are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know. We do not know, because to man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked 'What did you see after the car went out of control?'. 'I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear.
--Jerry Seinfeld
Now I didn't say this would be easy. Chances are if you really did forgot you have probably fucked up enough that you aren't going to be getting any action tonight anyway. But as my good friend The Berg says "Persistence beats Resistance".
Top 10 Female Positions
10 Best Five O'Clock Shadows Ever
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.
Evangelical War on Science
I think this is a fairly disturbing video. I was so angry about it last night I had to wait and write this post this morning. These crazy ass Evangelicals are teaching hundreds of small children at a time that science is bad, the bible is literally a history book and that humans and dinosaurs co-existed.
Now I understand that they have to give these presentations to small children. Anyone over 14 who hasn't been indoctrinated by these people could tear their arguments apart.
I am not sure what is scary. All these children being indoctrinated with this kind of false information or the fact that their parents are ignorant enough to believe it as well.
These guys are teaching these children that Earth was created by God about 6000 years ago despite the mountains of scientific evidence showing the world is roughly 4 billion years old. For reference, 6000 years ago is about the time dogs evolved and roughly 1000 years after the Sumerians invented glue.
Technorati: Evangelical Science Right Wing
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Ghost Ride the Whip!!!!
This video is just flat out awesome. While in pursuit of a bank robber this female office manages to ghost ride her whip and shoot the robber who was trying to gun her down.
I like her style.
Technorati: Cop Ghost Ride Funny Humor Entertainment
The latest warning signs from the Department of Homeland Security
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.
If your intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling over and watching the cool light show.
safenow.org
Technorati: Security Humor Funny Entertainment Comedy Warning Signs
On a Serious Note....Global Warming
The short answer to this is that I don't buy it. Do we humans have an effect on the environment and the overall climate? Sure. But I do think there is nearly enough evidence that we or our greenhouse gases are the sole cause. No, in fact I think it is very egocentric and pompous of us to think we have put the planet on a collison course with doom in just 200 years of industry.
After seeing a ridiculous commerical from StopGlobalWarming.org last night I decided to check out their website. The banner at the top of their site had the following piece of propaganda:
"All ten of the hottest years on record, globally, have occured in the last fifteen years."
So I said to myself "Self, I wonder how many years are on record?" After some quick Google work I found the Temperature Record entry on Wikipedia. It states:
"The most detailed information exists since 1850, when methodical thermometer-based records began."
So we have 157 years worth of hard data. We know that the Earth is roughly 4 billion years old. If you do the math that means we have hard data on 0.000003925% of the years Earth has been in existence. Experts agree that Earth has gone through 4 major Ice Ages. One can conclude then that there must have been 4 major thaws. There could have been thousands of years of increasingly warmer temperatures to melt all of that ice. I don't think 1o years in a sample size of 0.000003925% is anything to get panties bunched up about.
In fact some scientists are now saying they believe the Sun and Cosmic rays have more to do with climate change on Earth the we humans ever have.
Despite my stance on Global Warming I do believe in pollution controls. I don't think we need to be belching millions of tons of black smoke into the atmosphere for any reason. However I don't think getting people riled up over a made up dooms day climate scenario is the best way to reduce industrial pollution.
Technorati: Global Warming Environment Temperature Climate
Fresh Whole Rabbit - Amazon.com
I was trolling through Amazon.com's list of Valentine's Day: Bad Gift Ideas trying to find a last minute gift for my lady friend when I came across this gem of a product. Who doesn't want a skinned dead rabbit for only $29.50? This would make an outstanding gift for any holiday occasion.
Scroll down the product page and read the customer reviews. They are great and very informative.
Fresh Whole Rabbit
Technorati: Rabbit Amazon.com Valentines Day Comedy Humor Entertainment
Touching Lady Parts Mouse Pad
How To Survive a Horror Movie!
This list has a lot of sound advice to help you survive if you find yourself in a horror movie like situation. My personel favorite:
"As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell."
This is just a flat out good life rule. There is really no reason to be doing anything that is going to open a portal to Hell. It really can't be good for anyone.
How To Survive a Horror Movie!
Technorati: Horror Movie Survival Funny Humor Comedy
Monday, February 12, 2007
All Hail the "DAMN IT!"
In honor of tonights two hour episode I thought I would put up a little montage of classic Bauer.
The clip starts with a brief Jay Leno interview and then goes into every "DAMN IT!" that Jack Bauer has yelled from seasons 1 - 4.
Technorati: TV 24 Jack Bauer
I love LEGO
I loved building shit with LEGO's when I was a kid. Every Christmas I would ask for the biggest baddest set that LEGO had to offer. Most of the time Mom & Dad would come through and hook me up. I think they loved the fact I would spend Christmas afternoon frantically trying to get the set together and they could have piece and quiet.
Toward the end of my time with LEGO's the TECHNIC sets were the shit to have. I remember I got the rescue helicopter with working wenches and a joystick in the cockpit that controlled the rotor pitch...SWEET!!
Well the above Millenium Falcon now takes the cake as the baddest mofo on the block. It comes in with over 5000 pieces and a price tag of $499 making it officially the biggest LEGO set ever sold.
LEGO Store-Millenium Falcon
Technorati: LEGO Star Wars Millenium Falcon
Now this is a Blizzard!
Here in the great Emerald City things shut down any time there is more than an inch of snow on the ground. I think we almost had two inches this winter and it was goddamn pandemonium. People at my office called in with the "snowed in" excuse for two days.
These poor bastards in upstate New York are closing in on the 100 inch mark after only 4 or 5 days of snow. Click the link to see some other crazy pictures of this blizzard. Good thing we have that global warming kicking in otherwise the whole city might have been buried.
Now this is a Blizzard!Sunday, February 11, 2007
Amazing Goal by Ronaldinho
The goal is amazing but listen closely to the announcer he really makes this clip.
What Your Drink Says About You
By now, it’s no secret that one of my favorite hobbies, besides collecting Beanie Babies and hunting mimes for sport, is binge drinking. I admit, this is perhaps not the wisest way to drink. Mixing up my beverages so defiantly might make a bold statement about fuck and you, but it’s also a recipe for a killer hangover.
The point is, as a generalist in the liquor arena and a slightly-paranoid social critic, I’ve noticed that the drink you choose, as an accessory, says a lot about you. Sure, there are easy stereotypes about beer-swilling frat boys and martini-sipping debutantes, but the scope of social commentary is as wide as the selection at the nearest bar. So take a trip with me, won’t you, and discover what the drink in your hand says about joy in your heart.
Read the article.
Ahhhh.....memories
I did something last night that I haven't done in a long time. I walked into a store that was selling beer and I walked out with a case of Busch Light. I am no stranger to the Busch Light. There were about 4 years of my life when I drank more BL than water or any other liquid for that matter. Granted not a lot of my memories have me leaving the store with only one case, it was usually at least two if not four.
If you have followed this blog off and on for the last two years or read through our archives you have seen many funny quotes from our friend KU. All most all of those gems are a direct result of the BL consumption.
Don't get me wrong even with all the memories and good times a can of BL is no boggs. But there is a time a place where it is nice to visit an old friend. I think I am going to have to start showing up to that place about once a month.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
6. mullhawk: punk as fuck.
Mulletude: 5
Aggressiveness: 3
Hobbies: punk as fuck.
Sightings: punk as fuck.
Favorite Band: Offspring (i know, i know, they're not really punk, dumbass).
Mullets Galore
The Dan Band - Total Eclipse of the Heart
In case have been living with your head in the sand and don't know who The Dan Band is I thought I would throw this up.
These guys are coming to Seattle on 2/24 and you can bet your ass I am going to be in the front row.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Man accused in 'sex contract' case enters no-contest plea
Must just be awesome parent day here at tasty booze. I heard about this story while I was listening to the Adam Corolla show driving into work this morning.
The case arose after the woman, afraid of losing her boyfriend while recuperating from surgery, allegedly arranged to have her daughter be his sex partner for two months. Evidence includes the girl's testimony of a contract signed by all three that specifies sexual services and the "pay" the girl would get.
What is going on? What the fuck was this lady thinking?
If this is the kind of sound decision making that Mom usually makes I am concerned about what else this 15 year old has been a victim of.
Man accused in 'sex contract' case enters no-contest plea
By the Power of Grayskull! I have the power!
I wish I knew someone in India who could send me a bottle of this stuff. I would be screaming "By the power of Grayskull" all night.
Douche Bag of the Week
Here's a submission for Douche Bag of the Week. To me it's a hands-down winner, but there have been some other douches this week that might get nominations. We'll have to wait and see. An excerpt from the story below:
The father of a young girl who died of exposure had knocked her unconscious because he was angry she wouldn't go to bed, then took her outside in freezing temperatures and left her there, police said before the man's arraignment Thursday.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The Other Best of 'The Office'
One of the best sub-plots of The Office is the cell phone prank Jim plays on Andy. It unfolds like so:
Part 1
Part Deux
Finale
Lithuanian Street sign
I came across the picture of this street sign during my internet travels today.
What the fuck is going on in Lithuania?
Does this mean the greatest flasher of all time lives in the area? The guy is so sneaky, crafty and uncatchable that they have to just post a sign to warn people?
Sonic Bomb Alarm Clock with Bed Shaker
I hate my morning alarm just as much as the next guy. Well maybe not as much as Mike Honcho. Either way why the fuck would you want to do this to yourself?
"The Sonic Bomb Clock has an adjustable volume alarm with a maximum loudness of 113 decibels (just for reference, a jackhammer is about 100 decibels!)"
I would rather just have someone punch me in the face instead of waking up to something that is louder than a jack hammer.
ThinkGeek - Super Loud Ninja Alarm
'Beer goggles' effect explained
Those limey bastards across the pond have done it again. Scientists have figured out a formula based on several variables that will allow you to calculate the level of beer goggles you have.
"For example, someone with normal vision, who has consumed five pints of beer and views a person 1.5 metres away in a fairly smoky and poorly lit room, will score 55, which means they would suffer from a moderate beer goggle effect."
According to the article a score of 100 or more means that super model you are drooling over is actually "someone considered not attactive". Now they just need to simplify this a bit so that I don't have to bust out a T82 in the bar to figure it out.
'Beer goggles' effect explained
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Haggard Pronounced ‘Completely Heterosexual’....
in only three weeks flat. That has to be some kind of goddamn record.
DENVER (AP) -- One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is ''completely heterosexual.
Does anyone else see something wrong with the above paragraph? Maybe the word convinced? Can someone give me some guidlines on how you convince someone they are heterosexual? I mean is it like a 12 step program?
However my favorite part of the article was this quote.
''He is completely heterosexual,'' Ralph said. ''That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing.''
Apparently when you are a crazy ass Evangelical the definition of 'acting out' is "doing crystal meth and hiring male prostitutes."
Haggard Pronounced ‘Completely Heterosexual’
What the fuck is going on at NASA.
A 43 year old robotics specialist who has been to outer fucking space freaked out over a dude the other day and hatched a quick scheme to take out the competition. Upon hearing that a fellow female co-worker was flying from Houston to Orlando to meet a male astronaut Nowak went over the edge. She drove 900 miles in diapers and managed to get on the same airport shuttle as the female co-worker. The co-worker realized someone was following her, in general astronauts aren’t dumb, and managed to lock herself in her car before Nowak could strike.
When the police got there Nowak had the following items in her possession:
Steel Hammer
BB Gun
Pepper Spray
4 inch folding knife
Rubber tubing
Plastic garbage bags
I don’t know what Nowak planned to do if she managed to kidnap this lady but I tell you what it wouldn’t have been pretty.
When Nowak was asked to describe the relationship she had with the male astronaut she was going to kill for she said “more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship.”
What does that mean? My overall point: Women are crazy.
Astronaut charged with attempted murder
Naked Man Imprisoned For Beating Car With Pigeon
SUFFOLK, Va. -- A man who took off his clothes and beat a dead pigeon on a car outside a home in Suffolk, Va., has been sentenced to a year in prison for animal cruelty.
Juan Pablo Lopez, of Virginia Beach, who was 30 years old at the time of the incident last July, was sentenced Monday by a Suffolk judge.
Lopez pleaded guilty last year to burglary, obstruction of justice and animal cruelty. He received no time for the burglary and obstruction charges.
Police said Lopez broke into a home, destroyed birdcages and freed some chickens and pigeons and killed several of them.
When the homeowners pulled into their driveway, police said they saw Lopez come running out naked. They said he bashed a dead bird against the homeowners' car and ran away.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.
I really only posted this picture so that I could use the line from Wedding Crashers above.
But if you interested why these two fine young ladies are making lattes in their bras and panties click the link below.
Some coffee stands get steamier
But if you interested why these two fine young ladies are making lattes in their bras and panties click the link below.
Some coffee stands get steamier
Lightning never strikes the same place 8 times?
Struck by lightning record seven times
US Park Ranger Roy C. Sullivan from Virginia holds the record for the person most times struck by lightning - and living to tell the tale. Between 1942 and 1983, Roy has the dubious distinction of being struck by lightning seven times. He was known as the Human Lightning Rod.
The first lightning strike in 1942 happened as he was working up in a lookout tower and the lighting bolt shot through his leg and knocked his big toenail off.
In 1969 while he was driving along a mountain road a second strike burned off his eyebrows and knocked him unconscious. Another strike just a year later, while he was walking across his yard to get the mail, left his shoulder seared.
He was standing in the office at the ranger station in 1972 when lightning set his hair on fire and Roy had to throw a bucket of water over his head to cool off. A year later, after his hair had grown back, a lightning bolt ripped through his hat and hit him on the head, setting his hair on fire again. It threw him out of his truck, knocked his left shoe off and seared his legs. A sixth strike hit him in 1976 while he was checking on a campsite, injuring his ankle.
The last lightning bolt to hit Roy in 1977 happened while he was fishing. It sent him to hospital with chest and stomach burns. Roy Sullivan was never killed by lighting - he committed suicide while in his 70's in 1983 reportedly distraught over the loss of a woman.
Original Article - Thatsweird.net
Ad for Lube
This billboard was put up by Grey Worldwide for a new lubricating cream they have developed. What are they trying to get across here?
"Use our lube and your lady friend's coochie will feel like a two lane highway!"
Maybe I am crazy but that is the exact opposite of the feel I am looking for.
Post your own ideas for an ad slogan in the comment section. I will re-post the picture tomorrow with the best slogan submitted.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Teen girl charged with posting nude photos on Internet
I am glad someone figured out what this girl was doing and stopped her because as my Dad used to say she "was cruisin' for a bruisin'." Or the Pittsburgh police just busted up Dateline's greatest "to catch a Predator" sting ever.
However can you really be charged with sexually abusing yourself?
If so, then every 13 and 14 year old boy in the country should be in juvee for jerking off.
Teen girl charged with posting nude photos on Internet
More Adventures from Firefly
I've had an uneasy relationship with Japanese bathrooms since my arrival 5 years ago. My first experience came in the form of a "squat toilet". I was at an Internet Cafe in Hibiya, and I ventured inside this old style Japanese building to try to find a bathroom. I opened the door, and found this porcelain nightmare staring back at me.
I consider myself pretty adventurous, but I draw the line right there. I checked the next stall, to find a regular western toilet. Breathing a sigh of relief, I sat down. It didn't take long for my attention to wander down to the control panel near my right arm. It looked like an armchair computer to some kind of spaceship. Being a naturally curious person, I felt an immediate urge to press some buttons. I reserved a small amount of judgment and began to study the odd symbols. All of the symbols were complicated kanji, and I didn't understand any of them. I forced my attention away from the control panel. However since I was in Japan, there wasn't even any graffiti to distract my attention, and within 10 seconds, I was once again studying the series of buttons, knobs and dials. My teeth gritted. My lips pursed. My eyes focused on the array of buttons."Whats the worst that could happen," I reasoned. After 10 seconds of brief internal monologue, to my detriment, my adventurous side won. I extended an uncertain finger, and pressed the biggest button. A pause. Nothing happened. I deflated in disappointment. I began examining the other buttons when I heard :*click*. *vmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*. I cocked my head and narrowed my eyes as I tried to make sense of the noises. Suddenly, a boiling hot jet stream of highly pressurised water shot straight up my ass. I screamed. My arms and legs flailed around as I tried to escape my unfortunate predicament. I immediately pressed another button, which turned the water from burning hot, to icy cold. I considered jumping up and running away, but I was concerned that the ass water would soak me during my daring escape. I stayed seated, screaming and flailing, and pressed another button. The toilet flushed. I pressed another button, and the toilet lid slapped me in the back as it tried to close. My look of disbelief at my bad luck combined with my surprised yelling must have been quite a picture. I finally pressed the 'correct' button, and the stream stopped, and retracted. I sat there feeling violated, and also irritated at the previous occupant who felt it necessary to max-out all of the settings.
Missing Scenes from Kickboxer
Easily one of the best Van Damme movies ever (next to Bloodsport). Jean-Claude takes his revenge on the masterful Thai kickboxer Tong Po after Tong Po cripples his brother. Well, I found a deleted scene.
Possibly the Biggest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Fan Ever
Don't get me wrong I liked a little TMNT when I was young but this girl takes it to a whole new level.
The best part of the video is the older brother when he is calling his sister out on camera.
Nice shirt chief.
How Earth and the Universe were really created...
and what it all has to do with Pirates. (graph included)
Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
List of Gear for A-stan
The other day I posted a list of Jack Bauer's essential gear he uses for kicking ass over the course of the day.
I found this list today that has the 63 things you need bring if you are being deployed to Afghanistan to kick some Taliban ass.
List of gear for A-stan
Ask a Ninja.com
"Is it possible for a ninja to be so secret, that they don't even know they are really a ninja?" -Whitney from Waterburough
The short answer is yes. Click through to hear the explanation from a ninja.
Ask A Ninja Question 33 "Hidey's Disease"
Here is a link to the main page where you can find all the Ask A Ninja episodes.
You Got Questions, Ninja Got Answers.
Friday, February 02, 2007
The Most Honorable Cop in the Union
Honor is a big thing to us tasty boozers. This guy deserves a shout-out, and possible the Rock of the Week award.
KEWASKUM, Wis. -- It's not usually news when a police officer writes a ticket -- unless it's the chief and he gives the ticket to himself.
Village of Kewaskum Police Chief Richard Knoebel said he was driving to work when he became distracted by a truck stopping on one side of the street. He said he didn't see a school bus with its lights flashing and a stop sign out on the other side of the four-lane road.
The chief said he didn't know he had passed the stopped bus until it was too late. When he realized what he had done, he issued himself a $235 ticket.
"When we get someone for not stopping for a flashing school bus we give them a citation. So I shouldn't be any different so I did," Knoebel said.
Not only did the chief have to pay a hefty fine, he gave himself a four-point penalty on his license.
Bodybuilders
In an effort to enhance my performance for the 2007 drinking season, I've recently begun an effort to shed some pounds gained during the '06 season. So today I "ninja'ed" "calories in an AMPM cheeseburger", to see the potential effect that three of the world's tastiest morsels would have on my well tuned high performance drinking physique. In so doing, I stumbled across a subclass of humanity that could bench press the collective rest of us: bodybuilders. Believe it or not, these guys are fucking hilarious. Here's a taste of some of the quotes I found on http://www.iamabodybuilder.com/, written by the literary comical genius, and yes, bodybuilder, Myron Mielke.
"Don't be just another guy with a pot belly and stick legs whose only exercise is mowing the lawn on Saturday mornings. Be the guy with ripped abs and legs of steel mowing the lawn on Saturdays!"
"If someone complains that they can't stop eating cheeseburgers or chocolate, [set an example and] go another day on low carbs and slam down another can of tuna just for kicks. You're a bodybuilder, my friend. Cheeseburgers and chocolate are for normal people."
"If you're still reading this, the chances are you got up this morning and either did cardio first thing on an empty stomach or you headed for the gym to pump iron. And you've probably eaten at least five to six times and are about ready for another protein shake."
"Do another set of squats this week for me and I'll choke down another can of tuna, a protein drink, and a dry baked potato for you."
On his first visit to Gold's Gym in Venice, California, which he refers to as "Bodybuilding Mecca"
"Here's my review of the facility, it was cool."
"The only complaint I really had was that the dumbbells are to be in pairs. I had to hunt for two 65 pounders. I couldn't find them but I did find a pair of 80 pounders instead. They felt like 65 pounds at Gold's."
I'm just gonna throw this one out there, if you don't like it you can throw it right back my way, but I would bet dollars to doughnuts--check that--protein shakes that 9 out of 10 bodybuilders drive either (a) post 1993 Ford mustangs or (b) huge pickup trucks.
Man to Swim the Length of the Amazon - or 'Die Trying'
Known variously as "Big Man of the River" and "Fish Man," Martin Strel is attempting to swim the full length of the world's longest river - all 3,375 miles (5,400km) of it - or, in his own words, "die trying".
As a marathon swimmer, he is no stranger to staggering feats of endurance. After conquering the English Channel early in his career he has gone on to swim the length of the Danube, Mississippi and Yangtze rivers. None of them, however, compares with the terrors waiting for him in the Amazon: anacondas, crocodiles, poisonous freshwater stingrays and even the occasional bull shark that works its way upstream.
But Strel, 52, remains philosophical: "I'm concerned, of course, but if I think of that stuff I would never jump into the water," he told reporters. He even had a ready reply when asked about every man's greatest fear in the equatorial waters - the toothpick fish that can enter the body by swimming up the penis, and can only be removed by surgery. "I never urinate straight into the water, I always urinate straight into my wetsuit," he said.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
To Taser a Predator
We've all seen "To Catch a Predator" and it's usually the same thing everytime. Some creep has a rendezvous with a 13 year-old girl while her parents are out, looking to get a little underage action. Enter Chris Hansen, smooth-talking incriminator. At this point the bad guy either a) denies having any bad intentions, b) admits to having a problem, or c) breaks down and cries because his wife/girlfriend just found out on national TV that he likes his women (girls) really, really young. Same old stuff everytime.
I like this twist. Once this guy knows he's been made, he does what every guy who's ever been on that show should have done. Run like hell!! Unfortunately for this Joe, he's about to feel the real sting. 50,000 volts of electricity running through is perverted body.
SPD Officer Fails the Driving Portion of the Driver's License Test
Seattle police Officer Sean O'Donnell walks past where a Seattle police cruiser came to rest halfway inside a sub shop after an accident early Wednesday morning. Firefighters had to cut open the car to get the officer out.
According to a Seattle Police Department spokesperson, "Among the factors being looked into are ... the medical conditions of ... the cyclist."
If anyone learns of a medical condition with symptoms that include the potentiality of a police officer running your ass over and slamming you into a Sub Shop while you're riding your bicycle, please let me know...I'd like to be vaccinated if possible.
Jack Attack on a Christmas Tree
At 2am bar staff refused to serve any more alcohol. Undaunted, Kiefer persuaded management to let them loose in the lobby.
He ordered yet more booze on room service, then staggered around the entrance hall, entertaining pals with a bizarre, flailing breakdancing routine.
It was then that a huge Christmas tree caught his eye.
"I hate that fucking Christmas tree," he declared. "The tree HAS to come down"(in all fairness, the angel ornament sitting atop it called him a pussy first).
Bow down before Kiefer Sutherland, tree-punishing pirate.
The Watson Gap Jump
Napoleon Dynamite: What kind of bike do you have?
Pedro: It's a sledgehammer.
Napoleon Dynamite: Dang! You got shocks, pegs... lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
Napoleon Dynamite: [Cut to Pedro jumping] You got like three feet of air that time.
The Watson Gap Jump
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
The Six Levels of the Hangover cont....
Here we go with levels 3 & 4 today.
*** 3-star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime someome walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.
**** 4-star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976. You would give a week's pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
Drive the annoying guy at the office crazy for $9.99
"The ThinkGeek Annoy-a-tron would be useless against an army of Snowbots, but it's very effective at disturbing that guy in the sales department or your "friend" down the hall. With its thin design and embedded magnet for easy hiding, the Annoy-a-tron can be placed in a variety of locations. Select one of the three sound choices (2 kHz, 12 kHz, or alternating) and push the switch to the on position. Place it in a proper hiding spot and let the "fun" begin.
The Annoy-a-tron generates a short (but very annoying, hence the name) beep every few minutes. Your unsuspecting target will have a hard time 'timing' the location of the sound because the beeps will vary in intervals ranging from 2 to 8 minutes. The 2kHz sound is generically annoying enough, but if you really really want to aggravate somebody, select the 12 kHz sound. Trust us. The higher frequency and slight 'electronic noise' built into that soundbyte will make a full-grown Admin wonder where his packets are. "
The ThinkGeek Annoy-a-tron
Make Other Jack Bauer Fans Envious
Oh you bet your ass I am ordering every last one of these items.
Watch with kick ass ballistic nylon band, bulletproof vest? Fuck Yeah!
Jack Bauer Gear
Never, Ever, Trust a Bored Martial Arts Master
"...Japanese have a stereotype of being very sensitive, quiet, respectful and polite. I’ll tell you the reason for this stereotype – it’s completely true. Almost all Japanese are the living embodiment of these characteristics. Togara-sensei however, shits all over this stereotype. He is friendly and warm, but at the same time extremely aggressive and forceful – beyond most foreigners I know. It is also said that when you drive a car, your real personality comes out. Put Togara-sensei behind the wheel of a car, and just watch the fuck out.
If you can imagine this middle aged, massive martial arts master, wearing reading glasses, driving a large van, filled with crazy Australians, like a rally car – then you can begin to appreciate how funny this picture was. Almost as though he was trying to make the scene even more amusing, he flicked on the CD player, and loud classical music began blasting through the speakers..."
Read the rest of this great story from Firefly in Japan. The ending is great!!
Genuine Ostrich, Three Payments
This clip showcases a little new boot goofin. The Boggs pounders here at tastybooze enjoy themselves a little Reno 911, and this is one of the best clips from that show.
Marketing 101
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Viagra-spiked wine nearly kills husband
An Italian man keeled over with a heart attack and almost died after his wife slipped Viagra pills into his wine hoping it would improve his performance in bed.
Fifty-five-year-old construction worker Di Angelino from Frosinone in central Italy said: "I had been under stress because of my job for quite a while and my 50-year-old wife felt a bit abandoned."
"She tried to secretly give me a bit of extra "motivation" in bed with two pills of Viagra in a glass of wine."
After suffering a massive heart attack Di Angelino added: "I'm not angry with her over it. In fact, the whole episode of having a heart attack has made me cut down the stress in my life and pull back at work. And because of that our sexual relationship has got better."
Wow...close call for the price of a boner.
24 - Karen Hayes is Out
Another week, another episode of 24. Tom Lennox is on the war path, which means the Constitution is on it's way out the window. But first he has to get rid of a major thorn in his side, Karen Hayes. Using his Deputy Chief of Staff (played by Chad Lowe, ER), he digs up enough dirt and people willing to testify against Hayes to demand her resignation. Somewhat teary-eyed Hayes complies, leaving President Wayne Palmer on his own to defend the Constitution and the freedom of American citizens.
Meanwhile, Nadia, a CTU agent of middle-eastern descent, is hog-tied by racial profiling within the government thanks to Lennox's new mandates. Lucky for her (probably bad for the rest of the country) Milo un-ties her hands by giving her unrestricted access to CTU by logging her in under his user ID. I can already tell that this is going to backfire and soon Milo will find himself in a holding cell for doing what he thought was right at the time.
Jack, on the other hand, has been torturing his brother by means of suffocation and coaxes him into giving up the location of a major player in the release of the suitcase nukes that are threatening the country. Jack pursues this new lead only to be cuffed in the back of the head with a shotgun. Enter Phillip Bauer.
It appears Jack's father is a good guy as he and Jack are betrayed by Graem yet again. The episode finishes off with Jack and his father handcuffed and on their way to "certain" death at the hands of Graem's security team.
Will Jack will pull a Houdini and get out of this latest hostage scenario? Of course he will. We'll just have to wait and see how many people he kills on the way out.
Greasy Streaker Hit by Stun Gun
I know the whole MasterCard "priceless" thing has been over played but I am going to go ahead and drive it into the ground one more time.
Streaking your high school cafeteria............$0
One bottle of Johnsons Baby Oil...................$4.95
Not realizing the campus cop would hit you with the stun gun.........PRICELESS
Ohio students' lunch interrupted by greased, naked man in cafeteria; cop uses Taser
Before You Hit the Piss....Leave a Message
I know there are a lot of you out there that are currently in a state of self denial. You have yourself convinced that you are going to make it to work bright and early Monday morning after the Super Bowl.
However in the back of your mind you know that a "few beers" during the big game is more realistically 12 beers, a couple of jager bombs and maybe even a few cigarettes.
Whether you are honest with yourself or not here is the service for you.
Call-in-Sick.com
It is pretty simple. You call these chaps up the day before, record your sick message as many times as you need to perfect it and then leave your bosses phone number. Call-in-Sick.com handles it from there and leaves your finely crafted message on your bosses voicemail at your specified time the next morning.
Simply put....it's genius.
The Six Levels of Hangover
We received a great email here at the tastybooze offices this morning outlining the six levels of the hangover.
I have had a lot of first hand experience with the hangover myself but never realized there were six distinct levels.
I am going to toss up two a day over the next few days so that you will be fully educated by the end of the week and can perform a self diagnosis.
* 1-star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.
** 2-star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.
Blurt Blyleven
This is some relatively old footage of former MLB pitcher Bert Blyleven messing up a live TV broadcast and then dropping F-Bombs. It's certainly no Cosmo Kramer meltdown, but it's still pretty damn good TV.
Underpant rage burns down house
An angry husband who threw old clothes from his wardrobe in the garden and set fire to them because he could not find his clean underpants accidentally burnt his home down.
Ivo Jerbic, 55, from Prikraj close to the capital Zagreb told police he had flipped out after failing to find any clean underpants in the closet full of old clothes, and had thrown them all in the garden and set fire to them.
He told police: 'My wife never throws anything out, I just lost my temper.'
But the fire spread to the house which burned to the ground.
Local news agency Hina reported that Jerbic could end up in jail for up to 8 years because of putting other family members in danger, even though no one was injured in the incident.
"Dead Man" Testifies in Murder Trial
This is great. I don't think this has happened in the U.S., although I can't be positive. I would have to say, though, that if it did happen in the U.S. that I believe the court would throw out the case. An excerpt from the story below:
Five Indian men are on trial for murder despite the "dead" man having appeared in court and told the judge that the case was fabricated...
Read the full story here.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Feel Good Story...Sort of
I heard about this story on the Adam Corolla show this morning on my way to work. At first I thought it would make for a funny blog post so I Googled it up.
A young man in England born with Duchenne muscular dystrophy is living under the care of nuns in a hospice. He is currently 22 and most people with his condition don't live past their thirties. He let the nuns know that he wanted to have the "company of the woman" and they helped him to arrange it.
I am glad that the kid got laid but after reading the story it is kind of sad.
It was refreshing to see a nun put the boys interests first and help him out. We live in a country where supposedly educated people refuse to fill prescriptions for a morning after pill that has been safely used for almost 20 fucking years in Europe based on their personel religious beliefs.
Hospice helped dying man lose his virginity
24 Trivia - What's the Date?
What is the date going to be when Jack Bauer resumes hunting Fayed's ass down tonight?
Answer: Who really gives a shit as long as JB keeps kicking ass, taking names and opening helicopter doors with TV antennas.
Click the link for the actual answer.
On the Set of 24
Soda? Pop? Which is it?
I hate this bullshit about whether you call it soda or pop or even sodapop. I lived in five different states growing up moving on average of every four years. Wouldn't you know it every time I got to a new city I was the dipshit that didn't know the proper slang for a can of syrupy carbonated goodness.
Thankfully none of the five states I lived in were in the South. Those crazy SOB's just call anything that is carbonated and non-alcohlic coke. Of course they couldn't agree with the yankees up north they had to come up with their own slang term. The best thing the unoriginal bastards could come up with was coke. Thats like calling anything you can put your dick in a vagina.
What is the point of this rant? I don't think there is one but here is a link to a map of the U.S.A. that shows by county the proper slang term for soda.
Generic Names for Soft Drinks
One more reason not to have that telltale half dollar size circle in you wallet
Here is a pretty funny story that I recevied via email today. I am sure most of have you have seen it but in case you were deciding which Nigerian to give your bank account number to for a cut of 10 million here it is.
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!" And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
I Signed Over My Allegiance too Soon
Last night I came across Ninja.com and signed over my allegiance to it as my new search engine. This morning it was brought to my attention that there is an even better search engine out there. "What are better than Ninjas?" you ask. In one word...
Pirates
Aaaaaarrrrrrgh matey! Pirates always have and always will have a special place in my heart. From grog, to booty, to Waterfront Brawl they cannot be beat. As the site says:
"Still better than ninjas."
Pirates
People Excusing Terrorist Activities (PETA)
I always knew I hated PETA, but I never really knew why. Now I know. I came across an interesting list of 7 Things You Didn't Know About PETA and was startled when I read a couple of these. One of the worst:
It's surprising to me that this organization of "animal lovers" (you'll understand the use of quotes after you read #2 on the list) is allowed to remain in existence.PETA has given tens of thousands of dollars to convicted arsonists and other violent criminals. This includes a 2001 donation of $1,500 to the North American Earth Liberation Front (ELF), an FBI-certified "domestic terrorist" group responsible for dozens of firebombs and death threats. During the 1990s, PETA paid $70,200 to an Animal Liberation Front (ALF) activist convicted of burning down a Michigan State University research laboratory. In his sentencing recommendation, a federal prosecutor implicated PETA president Ingrid Newkirk in that crime. And PETA vegetarian campaign coordinator Bruce Friedrich told an animal rights convention in 2001 that "blowing stuff up and smashing windows" is "a great way to bring about animal liberation."
Sunday, January 28, 2007
iHate the iPod
I work in downtown Seattle, which means aside from being raped every month to pay for parking, I'm usually witness to the front line of emerging trends for this area. Now this isn't exactly ground breaking as far as trends go, but I finally got pushed to the limit of this ridiculousness last week after two different incidents. What am I talking about? The iPod revolution and its impact on casual friendliness in life.
What you say? Save your keystrokes because you have no audience? Well yes, probably, but I still want to get this off my chest. What I'm talking about is the new burning need for what seems like half of the downtown population to be listening to music at all times. Everywhere I go I see people with their heads down, eyes to the ground walking around with the signature white headphones in their ears, screaming out "Don't look at me, don't talk to me, I'm busy taking in the latest indy rock to hit the scene and being hip." But its not just walking to and from destinations. Its in elevators, businesses, bars, and work. I recently witnessed a guy at Subway trying to order a sandwich while listening to his iPod and reading a novel (some dungeons and dragons type book no doubt). Are you f-ing joking me? You can't take those little bastards out of your ears for 2 minutes to help expedite the order of my delicious Spicy Italian? The final straw was last week when a 50+ year old man, in a business suit, passed by nearly running into me, yes, while listening to his treasured iPod. You're 50!! It is not cool to be acting this way.
Why is this such a big deal? Well, really its not. But seriously, when did we make the transition of having to listen to music at any chance possible? What did these people do before iPod's and MP3 players? How the hell did they survive in a world where the only sounds were passing buses and casual "good morning's" from their fellow mankind. What I see out on those streets is reminiscent of Hong Kong or New York (thousands of people running around with absolutely no recognition or care for people around them). And finally, its just another sign of Steve Jobs and his turtle neck wearing cronies influencing American culture in a negative way. Alright, that might be a stretch, but seriously, when it was just Rio and Sandisk MP3 players did we see this wave of hipsters wearing white ear buds? I rest my case. And for the record, yes I own an iPod.
WARNING TO NES FANBOYS
If you click through to the link below be prepared to pop a bonar.
Not only is this guy selling all 670 games released for the NES in America he is throwing in a system with about every accessory made as well.
So if you have a spare $10,000 and always wanted to rub one out with a power glove place your bid.
NES Nintendo - EVERY GAME EVER MADE - 670 LOT Licensed
Top Graduates from 'Safety First' Classes
Scrolling down this page is just like going smart, smarter, smartest.
Safety First
Crazy Laws in all 50 States
This site lists out crazy laws from just about every state in the Union. Check your state and make sure you aren't in violation. One of my favorites.
California
A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits.
Looks like Fayed now has two problems to deal with on Monday night.
1. Jack Bauer is after his ass.2. More importantly he owes the city of Valencia $500.
Craziest Laws in America
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Alleged drunk man breaks into airport
LAS VEGAS (AP) -- An intoxicated 28-year-old man apparently broke into a secure area near McCarran International Airport and stole a luggage cart tug car before being arrested early Tuesday.
Its all fun and drunken shenanigans in Vegas until you hit someones Gulfstream G4 jet. Then you're fucked.
Alleged drunk man breaks into airport
Hot Chicks. Taser. Underwear.
Do I really need to write anything else?
Anyone that knows fellow blogger on this site Mike Honcho knows he is the internets #1 connoisseur of taser videos. The SOB spent about 4 straight days searching and watching every video he could find.
I am putting the link to this one up because I bet he hasn't seen it and as the title suggests it involves girls in their underwear.
Enjoy.
Hot Chicks. Taser. Underwear.
Now thats how you Police Chase! From now on you always Police Chase like that!!!
This guy has what I like to call "skills that pay the bills".
People say video games rot kids minds. Well I will tell you what this guy didn't pick up these driving skills in drivers ed.
This has got to be the result of countless hours spent with a PS2 and a game like Need for Speed.
I bet if aliens or demons ever show up this guy would be the first one to find the BFG9000 and start racking up kills before most of us got out of bed.
Police Chase
Friday, January 26, 2007
Note to Mr. Honcho
The other day you called out a fine young man with an outstanding mullet who was looking for a time travel partner by saying "Where the hell did this guy find a flux capacitor?"
Consider your bluff called good sir.
Click the link to the DeLorean Motor Company's online store and do a search for "Flux".
DeLorean Motor Company Online Store
Is your Wal-Mart Safe?
I have never really liked Wal-Mart but I've never really had any good reasons why.
Well I just found one to put on the list.
"For the sample, Wal-Mart stores experienced 6 times the reported number of criminal incidents defined as 'serious or violent" than nearby Target stores in 2004.
Click the link below and you can search by zip code to find out about all the violent crimes happening at your local Wally World.
Wal-Mart Crime Report
Hot Chicks
I just had to throw this out there because Jessica Simpson looks so hot on the front page. Here's a compelling list of The 99 Hottest Women of 2006. If Anna Kournikova is #99, I think you're in for a treat.
Awesome Aerial Photo of Kick Ass Guns
Check out this aerial shot of the New Jersey class battleship USS Iowa firing is huge ass canons.
One shell from those guns could travel 25 miles and lay waste to an entire city block.
Most of the New Jersey class battleships have been decommissioned meaning we have even more kick ass boats on the water now.
Why would you want to fuck with that?
USS Iowa
Deputy Finds Man Punching Shrub
A 23-year-old Hilton Head Island man was charged with public disorderly conduct after a deputy observed him "in a physical confrontation with shrubs" at 8:27 p.m. Saturday at Carolina First, 401 William Hilton Parkway, according to a Beaufort County Sheriff's Report.
Responding to a complaint that a man tried to get into a stranger's car, a deputy called over to the suspect, who was punching vegetation. The man then ran across the bank parking lot to kick one last bush before talking to police, reports said.
He reportedly smelled of alcohol and was taken to the Beaufort County Detention Center, where he is being held for prosecution, according to the jail's online log.
Source: www.islandpacket.com
Cops Everywhere Rejoice
No longer do the fine patrolmen of our cities need to juggle their cup of coffee and their favorite jelly filled doughnut while cruising our streets.
A scientist in North Carolina has figured out how to pack the equivilent of two cups of coffee into a single doughnut.
Now you can pack on pounds and get wired and the only side effect will be sticky fingers. This is a vast improvement over the possibility of scalded junk when you hit a bump and your grande drip explodes on your lap.
Scientist develops caffeinated doughnuts
Thursday, January 25, 2007
This could have made for a really bad day
"About 10 seconds after liftoff from runway 19R something happens with the left engine. Alot of smoke and fragments of metal and other material falls down on the runway. At first the pilots don't get any indications in the cockpit and plan to go on to Kuala Lumpur."
Instead it just made a pretty sweet picture.
Beer Journal
Although the publishers of The Beer Journal don't capitalize their Bs (see Blog, Sweat & Beers below), this is still a pretty cool website with quite a few interesting articles. Check out the article on The Story of American Beer to learn a thing or two today.
The 10 Worst Rap Album Covers Ever Made
Not only are the ablum covers great but the commentary on each one is just hilarious. Take M$. Tee for example.
This is just depressing. Her entire album is about acquiring material possessions and she has the most bare, plain room in the background. At least we know where Pimp Daddy got his gigantic chair! Judging by the black mark on her face he roughed her up pretty good before punching a hole in the wall and stealing every non-denim piece of clothing in her closet. Thank God Ms. Tee managed to preserve that awesome love seat, end table, and classic piece of artwork hanging in the background. It's a long drive to the local flea market and judging by the level effort put into her album cover, I doubt she could cough up the 15 dollars necessary to replace it.
The 10 Worst Rap Album Covers Ever Made
onederwear
This is either a little slice of genuis or the kind of decadence the rest of the world hates us for.
I mean I can see how these would be useful if you were on a long backpacking trip. However I do a lot of traveling for business and packing up my "dirty" underwear has never really been an issue.
Sure I wore them once and now they are "dirty" but its not like I am leaving big mud monkey racing stripes in them. I cram them into a ball and they return home in the exact same way that they made the trip.
There was an incident once after a few days in Venezuela but that is neither here nor there.
I think my favorite thing has to be the multiple styles you can get. Boxers I understand but there is something about disposable bikini cut underwear that is just plain wrong to me.
onederwear
Drinking Games Rule!
My friends and I decided to get together last weekend and play a round of drinking games. Sometimes Crazy 8s results in people getting hammered and passing out early. It's just one of the hazards of playing drinking games with professionals. It kind of reminds me of the old adage, "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight."
Toto Apricot F5A - Greatest Toilet Seat Ever?
Let's just run down a few of the features that this bad boy is packing.
1. Embedded MP3 player.
2. Reading Light
3. Ambient Light (for us guys who refuse to turn on the light in the middle of the night)
4. Fragrance Dispenser (automatically detects when you have made it unsafe for other life forms)
5. "Washlet" Feature (nice stream of warm water right on the old brown eye)
This thing is nice then the leather recliner in my living room. If you installed a flat panel TV across from your throne you would never have to leave.
Toto Apricot F5A: MP3 Toilet Seat With Ambient Light, Fart Killer
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Drunks On A Plane: How Not To Behave During A 6 Hour Flight
You know I have a lot of stories about friends who have gone out, gotten to drunk, done something stupid and then ended up in police custody.
Hell Mike Honcho here is the main character in a few of them.
But you read this story and it sounds more like "Fuck it! I am going to go out and get arrested today and I might as well be drunk when I do it!"
Drunken shenanigans are one thing and I am all for them.
Going out with the intent of doing something stupid and then adding booze to the mix just gives the rest of us a bad name.
Drunks On A Plane: How Not To Behave During A 6 Hour Flight
You brought the fuckin' Pomeranian bowling?
A little tribute to Lebowski and his way of living. And yes, I am actually ordained, the certificate is on the wall in my office.
Tijuana Police Issued Slingshots
Hmmm. Good thing we passed the bill for the border fence, cause I don't think we're going to be getting to much help from south of the border. The Tijuana police force of about 2,000 officers have been without guns for half a month and finally they get armed...with slingshots and ballbearings. Look out pigeons, the Federales are coming!!
Verizon Employee Exit Interview
I found this a while ago and there is a chance that it's fake but I don't care because it is fucking hoolarious.
My personal favorite
#3) Would you be interested in working for Verizon on a Part-Time basis? Comments:
"No. Thats like saying I would prefer to be raped half as often."
Verizon Employee Exit Interview
Bauer Power
I've run across a few lists on the internet of some interesting facts about Jack Bauer. Similar to the ever popular Chuck Norris Facts, here are a few of my favorites:
- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
- No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a pussy” in a sentence and lived to tel...
- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
- Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.
For more random facts about Jack Bauer, visit http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty
Police: Seattle Dealership employees took disabled man for more than $100,000
Nominations for the Douche Bag of the Week will still be accepted until Sunday but this set of pricks might have just locked it up.
Police: Dealership employees took disabled man for more than $100,000
This goes way farther then just convincing some sap he needs a $100,000 dollar car.
What Happens When You Mix Too Much Boggs With Honda?
Considering Hank's post below, I think Jim forgot the #1 rule.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Boggs and Honda
I was watching the AFC Championship Sunday night when Miller Lite and Honda came together to bring all of us a commercial break some time in the fourth quarter. As I sat there and thought about it, I realized that about 80% of my life is at least tangentially, at most directly, connected with these two products. For instance, I drink for a drinking team in Seattle, our drink of choice is Boggs See Tasty Booze Vocabulary in right margin. And I drive a 1996 Honda Accord, which, as an aside, apparently has a big red fucking target on it. I swear, that piece of shit has been hit more times than the "X" button on Mike Honcho's Xbox 360. But seriously, all I do is work on the weekdays, which requires driving my Honda, and drink on the weekends, which invariably includes Boggs.
The interesting thing about these two products is that you need to use them sequentially if you plan on staying out of trouble. Although the danger of using them at the same time depends upon how much you've been using one, if you heavily use one to the point that you're too stubborn to not use the other, you're probably going to end up on one foot looking at the sky and touching your nose. Just an observation.
Blog, Sweat & Beers
Within these musings, you will notice that the word Beer is always capitalized. The reason for this is the same reason so many religions capitalize the names of and references to their God or Gods… respect.
I can’t tell you how many times a conversation about God or The Universe or Human Existence itself has been preceded by the copious consumption of that golden-brown wonder tonic of truth known throughout the world as Beer. In as much as the “B” in the Body of Christ is oft times capitalized, I have chosen to give the same honor to the “C” in Can o’ Beer. Respect the Beer and the Beer will respect you.
Learn how to chug like an outdoorsman at http://www.blogsweatandbeers.com/how-to-chug-a-beer
Never Say "Boo" to a Black Man
I love to play pranks on people. Lucky for me I choose my victims very carefully! Check out this Halloween prank...
Cruise 'is Christ' of Scientology
This is awesome.
Believe it or not Tom Cruise has been dubbed the "Christ" of Scientology by the head whack job over there at the Church of Scientology.
Seems like it was just a few years ago old TC was cutting loose, dancing in his whitey tighties and running a brothel while his parents were away.
Sure he graduated to killing bad guys, wearing fake faces and saving the world but I had no idea the next step was Christ.
New Weekly Contest - Douche Bag of the Week
The number of douche bags I come across in a given week never ceases to amaze me. Most of them are in their cars and driving on a strech of road known as 520.
I wanted to give everyone a chance to vent about the douche bags that they have to deal with.
Here is how this will work. You submit your story to tastybooze@gmail.com about a douche bag you came across. On Sunday afternoon the staff here at Tasty Booze will decide on the best story and post it Sunday night.
Depending on the number of submissions we might even throw up some honorable mentions on Monday.
Who can submit a douche bag entry? Anyone
What are some examples? People that don't understand the concept of merging, someone that cheated on you, a friend that flagged you when you passed out, a friend that passed out a 9 pm, you get the idea.
A-1 Badass with Watermelon Size Balls
I am going to leave the description of this one up to the great Dane Cook. Simply substitute "poke in the eye" everytime you read "punch in the face"
"So how did you get away?" and he says, "I punched it, and... it let me go." Let's, let's recap this. A fuckin' SHARK, coming through the water, and this guy... I mean the shark goes over to this guy, bites, this guy punches it in the face, and the shark goes "ALRIGHT!" And tell me, there is no time in your life that you swim faster, than when a fuckin' shark lets you go. Fuckin' shark lets you go... if you don't get pussy, with THAT story, "Wanna see my scar? Yeah I punched a shark in the face. I tried to swim away, I grabbed him, pulled him back. He tried to get away, I pulled him back and punched him again. And I looked him in the face and said, 'Fuck you, Shark.'"
Diver pokes shark in eye, survives head chomp
Casual Definitions of Casual Sex
Recently, on New Years to be exact, I'm pretty sure I fucked up my relationship with my best Booty Call. In fact, maybe she wasn't even a Booty Call. Maybe she's a SWNS (sex with no strings) girl and I took it to an inappropriate level. It went something like this:
Booty Call girl sends a text message at about 2am on January 1st. Any message sent at 2am on January 1st is prone to be misinterpreted, miscommunicated, or maybe just missed (obviously due to the supremely drunken state you are in after about 7 tequila poppers in as many minutes, and the other 20 beers your drank from 8pm to 2am). Unfortunately for me, her message was simple and to the point - "Happy New Years!" - and wasn't likely to be misunderstood. Too bad I didn't pass out earlier...I've always liked the challenge of being the last (or close to last) one up after a hard night of boozing, proving that I can drink more than most of my friends. What did happen was a misinterpretation on my part. I interpreted her "Happy New Years!" text message to mean "I wish I were there now so you could fuck me!" Yikes. Now I'm in trouble, cause of course I'm going to respond to a message that has tweaked my weiner. So, in true 20+ drinks-deep fashion, I responded with the ever classy and clever message "I want to F U hard right now!" Of course, on the 1st at 2:15 am I thought that was probably the best text message I have ever sent, and I went down the hallway chuckling to myself and my command of the smooth talk.
Fast forward to 10am on the 1st. I wake up and remember that I sent a message to this girl, and I remember thinking that it was probably the best message I've ever sent. So, I take out the text message machine and scroll through the recent messages only to be disappointed at my foolishness. Although it was funny, still is funny, and probably a great message to receive (I only wish I were there to see the look on her face), it sucks that I probably ruined my best booty call with booze. But hey, if I'm going to ruin anything it should be over booze, right?
Anyways, if you want some easy guidelines to follow should you ever find yourself in the SWNS or the Booty Call quasi-relationship, check out this article on Casual Definitions of Casual Sex:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/262749422.html
Cheers!
Effective Meetings
I hate meetings. One of my personal rules in life is that nothing is accomplished in a meeting once it crosses the 30 minute mark. Half the attendees can't remember what the original subject was and there is always one person either asleep and/or drooling.
I really liked these tips for effective meetings after I read tip #1.
1) Avoid meetings. Test the importance of a meeting by asking, "What happens without it?" If your answer is, "Nothing," then don't call the meeting.
10 Tips for an Effective Meeting
Monday, January 22, 2007
24 - The Plot Thickens
All I can say is GOD DAMN! I'll go ahead and throw it out there: No fan of 24 ever saw that coming. I sure didn't picture the infamous Graem having the last name Bauer. Now he's wishing he showed a little more affection to his estranged brother over the past years, seeing that he's in the process of giving up information, Jackie B style. The gun hasn't come out yet, and his kneecaps are still intact, but Jack will get the information he needs (through suffocation, maybe a little knife torture, or some good old fashioned screaming, "We don't have time!").
So, as the plot thickens we are left with some questions about the upcoming episodes: Does Jack know that Graem and his cohorts (possibly Philip Bauer, Jack's father) are responsible for dropping the dime to the Chinese about Jack's location at the end of season five? Why haven't Jack and his father spoken in nine years? Is Graem and Marylin's son really Jack and Marilyn's son? I could really go on for days about the questions that we all have...I guess we'll have to wait until next week to find out more.
Touché, Fox, on another kick ass episode of the most kick ass show on tv!
I want a god damn liter of cola!
Ah, first post back on the old blog. Thanks for reviving this and here is my contribution.
I don't think there's a whole lot more entertaining than calling up friends (or enemies) and pranking them with witty comments from unsuspecting movie stars. Here is one of my personal favorities, Trooper Rod Farva.
http://img170.imageshack.us/my.php?image=soundboard6nq.swf
If You’re Functioning, You’re Not An Alcoholic
I can't really say much about this post I am linking to other then the fact that I couldn't agree more.
“Mark,” I answer, “If you’re functioning, then you’re not an alcoholic. The entire point of alcoholism is that you’re not functioning.”
If You’re Functioning, You’re Not An Alcoholic
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